Beat Your Genes Podcast

• 361: Lingering Loyalties, Distant Intimacies

  Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 04:25. Q1: Divorced dad entangled with ex 12:28 Genetic commitment calculations 27:14 Q2: Stuck with a closed-off boyfriend 33:53 Hugging an un-huggable friend 42:09 Final thoughts Q1: Any advice for a divorced dad who is still entangled with his ex wife? We have been divorced over five years now, but are still friends and live near one another. I initiated the divorce for a few reasons, mainly her emotional instability and our lack of intimacy. My ex is a nice person, but emotionally fragile. I help her a lot because we have two kids together and because she cannot handle working full time, so doesn’t make much money. I pay almost all of the bills for our kids and am often at her house. I don’t mind doing these things, but I can tell this is a turn off and red flag for women I have dated. The longest relationship I have had was just a few months, and that woman told me she felt she couldn’t trust me not to go back to my ex and that she knew she would never be a bigger priority than my ex. Am I wrong to feel this level of responsibility to someone I am no longer married to? Is it realistic to expect I can ever find love again while remaining close to my ex? If so, how should I approach this topic with romantic prospects?   Q2: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, he is 8 years older than me and we got together when I was 22. We do not live together.  He is very emotionally closed off and says this is because his parents never showed him much affection or told him they loved him so he’s never learned that behaviour.  He is also not very affectionate and gets visibly uncomfortable when I kiss him a few times in a row and rarely initiates this type of affection. I sometimes feel like I have a friendship, not a relationship.  It’s really difficult to have serious conversations about emotional issues or our future , including the prospect of living together as he gets overwhelmed and closes off.  When I spoke to him about the rejection I feel when he’s not affectionate he responded saying that is him being a genuine version of himself and he’s not willing to fake it.  Is this just a difference of personality types and do you have any methods to navigate these issues?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast    

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• 360: Affairs, Flares, and Fantasy Matches

  Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 02:41 Q1: How common are affairs? Is this typical human behavior? 34:12 Q2: Am I broken or just in the wrong pair bond?  57:40 Tenacious Delusions in Psychology 1:15:35 Final thoughts Q1: Can Dr. Lisle talk about the frequency of affairs, particularly in modern western civilization? I was a little surprised to read about the prevalence of affairs, particularly in men in “happy marriages,” described in The Mating Mind. I have been happily married for over 15 years and don’t have any evidence my husband has had an affair. But, I have had a general sense that it is possible, and that sense is reinforced by Buss’ statistical reports on the topic. If so many married people, especially men, have affairs, it seems odd that I almost never hear about such things amongst my social group. Are men just naturally extremely and effectively discreet with their affairs? Any thoughts about the ethics of extramarital affairs given how this behavior is clearly a typical aspect of human behavior? Q2: My friends are dissecting my ex relationship trying to analyse what went wrong, so do I actually, and Im being recommended a therapy so I do not make the same mistake again.  At almost 40 I met someone who was good enough to get pregnant with, although he turned out to be more disagreeable to what my nervous system could take( not to the outside world, just at home). One child, multiple miscarriages and 5 years later he left me… I felt guilty about it as I was the one making fights and creating conflicts as I would disagree with his criticism or poor advice or poor involvement/investment in a family life.  I have had a consultation with Dr Lisle already and his opinion was- it wasn’t a winning relationship.  But my ex partner came back. We went back to disagreeing and he left. All together 4 times in the last 6 months. He kept escaping to his sunny homeland Spain, whereas we’re in the rainy UK. Im left with a child on my own, and although I got what I wanted for many years, ie an offspring, my understanding is: he wasn’t my match, I stopped needing his help and I never truly admired his achievements. I was grateful for things he gave us, but I wanted more.  Do I need a therapy to work on myself being disagreeable like my father and my brothers. Or is the truth in the environment: once I meet someone who provisions enough and has a lot of expertise, I will shut up and sit quietly in awe?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

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• 359: When They Stop Caring: Hygiene, Hope & His Libido

  Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 04:31 Q1: My daughter doesn’t care about her appearance – could it be more than just preference? 14:32 Q2: Our 42 year old dependent daughter said she’ll kill herself after we die 32:35 Communication & Negotiation 39:06 Q3:  My pot-smoking husband’s libido has decreased – but is it me? 53:15 Final thoughts Q1: Is neglecting personal hygiene and physical appearance really a sign of depression, or is it just personality? My 37 year old daughter doesn’t care about her appearance at all, she wears pajamas and slippers everywhere with her hair up in a tangled bun and doesn’t wear makeup at all. This doesn’t seem so bad, but she’s completely neglecting her personal hygiene, she doesn’t shower for weeks, smells bad, doesn’t wash her hair for months, doesn’t brush her teeth regularly, hasn’t gotten a haircut in years (her hair’s almost down to her knees) and doesn’t even brush her hair. Her complete lack of personal hygiene is worrying. She wasn’t like this when she was living with me, but that could be because I was always telling her to do those things. Now that she’s living alone, is this just who she is? Or should I be worried that there’s something else wrong, like depression? Q2: My husband and I are both 77 years old and we are still working to support our 42 year old daughter. We could have retired a long time ago, but we still work to save up money so our daughter can live comfortably after our passing. We know she’ll never work - she hasn’t worked for 20 years. She was always a smart girl, she graduated with a bachelor’s degree in nursing and worked for a month during which she had many panic attacks and mental breakdowns. They forced her to take a medical leave of absence, was diagnosed with autism and anxiety issues, but she never went back to work and we’ve been supporting her ever since. We have quite a lot of money saved up, so she’ll be able to live comfortably after we die. I recently asked her what she’ll do after we die, she said she’ll kill herself, that she can’t live without us. This answer deeply upset me. My husband and I sacrificed our lives and retirement for her, just so she could kill herself in a few years. I feel like I wasted my life and she wasted hers, that I failed her and caused her to become so enmeshed with us that she can’t live without us. I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice? Q3: Does a man’s libido change overtime, and is it common? It has been a year since I’ve noticed a decrease in my husband’s sexual advances and general sexual interest in me. What used to be sex at least once a week is now biweekly or less. And sometimes he even struggles to orgasm. I’ve brought this issue up to him a few times and his reasons is that he’s tired because he works a lot (around 10 hours a day sometimes) and is generally stressed with work and life. I agree that our life is stressful right now for a few reasons (his new job, child raising, finances, dealing with family (his in-laws) issues etc) but I also have a hard time believing that those are the actual reasons. Even though I get stressed and tired, I still want to be intimate. I really don’t believe he’s cheating or anything like that- he’s a devoted husband and father otherwise, and I also haven’t gained weight, I’m the same I was when we met. But I’ve always been insecure about my looks and body so his lack of interest is really taking a toll on my ego. It seems he’d rather watch a show on his iPad than spend time with me. Could what he be saying really be true? Does a man’s libido decline with stress or age? He is 43 and I’m 33. He is also smokes cannabis regularly (always has since I met him). Any advice on how to handle the situation is greatly appreciated!   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

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• 358: Pretty Girls, Cold Feet, and Estrogen Dreams

  Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:35 Q1: I’m pretty but my ugly competitors are getting plastic surgery! 19:05 Q2:  My big, expensive wedding is coming up… but I don’t want to get married anymore 27:59 Q3:  Can I increase my estrogen to get more beautiful? 44:28 Final thoughts Q1: You say that a woman’s physical appearance is the most important aspect of her attractiveness when attracting a mate, but we now live in a time when natural beauty has no value anymore due to the prevalence of plastic surgery. I have personally seen women go from a 4 to a 9 with tens of thousands of dollars in plastic surgery. This is pretty common nowadays, at least where I live. With the recent advancements in plastic surgery, it is becoming increasingly difficult to detect who is fake and who is natural. As someone who was born naturally pretty, I find this very frustrating and makes it less special for those who have won the genetic lottery. How will the prevalence of well done plastic surgery change the dating landscape in the future? Will men only realize that their wife was actually born ugly when their children come out ugly?   Q2: My fiance and I have been together for five years and our big, expensive wedding is coming up in few weeks, but I don’t want to marry him anymore. We have a destination wedding in Rome, Italy and we paid 250,000 euros in total for it and it is non-refundable. Also, we have 300 guests coming who already booked flights and accommodations from US to Rome, which are also expensive and non-refundable. We obviously can’t cancel it and waste money ourselves and waste our guests money. We booked the venue a year ahead of time and at the time I was 100% sure I wanted to marry him. Now I don’t want to anymore. I’m just not attracted anymore, and I discovered some differences in core values that I didn’t know of before. I told my fiance and he said it doesn’t matter what I want, we have to go through with it and make it work and not get divorced so as to not embarrass ourselves in front of our friends and family. He said if we get married and get divorced or annulled right after I would be considered a failure by everyone and lost 250, 000 euros for nothing. What should I do?   Q3: You say that women with higher estrogen levels are more beautiful. Is there a way for a woman to increase her estrogen levels either naturally or artificially and become more attractive? Or would this be unsafe?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

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• 357: Loving the Irrational, Living with the Stuck, Losing the One

  Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:39 Q1: I’ve alerted my wife that she has distortions, but she still has them! 18:53 Irrational emotions vs distortions 29:48 Q2: Why would someone complain about their job but do nothing differently? 47:51 Q3: How can I get over the loss of my husband? 57:33 Final thoughts Q1: Dear Dr Lisle, pop psychology advises men to validate their wives emotions but how do I validate something that is objectively invalid. I have taken your advice and have tried explaining to her that she has distortions in her personality that cause her to screw her perspective in a way that creates irrational emotions but that only makes her more angry. How can you get someone to see that they are interpreting reality incorrectly?   Q2: Why would a person constantly complain, get good advice and solutions, then do absolutely nothing? A person I know works a job they hate, that takes way too much time off them, and pays far to little. They complain bitterly and regularly to friends and family, get all hyped about changing things up, then proceed to do nothing but get back to complaining. I'd like to not give a damn but unfortunately I live with this person.   Q3: How to get over loss of a loved one other than “time heals all wounds?” I’m 38 years old and I lost my husband 10 years ago. Since then I’ve isolated myself and pretty much knew for a fact that I would be single for life. I tried going on a few dates but I wasn’t attracted to any of them because deep down I know that I am still in love with my husband, even though ten years have passed. I feel depressed because I often feel lonely, but it’s not a loneliness that can be alleviated with friends or family, it’s because I miss my husband. Is there anything I could do to move on?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

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