Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

When a doctor hands your child a diagnosis, it can be a relief - finally, an explanation for their behavior! But sociologist Dr. Allan Horwitz has spent decades studying how psychiatric diagnoses are made, and what he's found raises serious questions about how much weight that label should carry.



In this episode, Dr. Horwitz walks through how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) - the manual that defines every mental health diagnosis - was built less on scientific research than on professional politics, institutional pressure, and the practical needs of insurance companies. 



He traces how depression went from a diagnosis given to a small fraction of the population to one of the most common diagnoses in the world, and explains exactly what happened to reliability when the DSM-5 was tested in real clinical conditions. 



He also looks at how the same behaviors get labeled very differently depending on a child's age, race, class, and cultural background - and why that matters for every parent trying to figure out whether a diagnosis is actually helping their child.



This episode won't tell you to reject diagnosis outright. But it will give you the critical knowledge to ask better questions when a label is offered for your child.


Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is the DSM and why does it matter for my child? 

The DSM is the manual psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose every mental health condition. It determines what insurance will cover, what services your child can access, and what label follows them through school and into treatment.



Who created the DSM and who controls it? 

The American Psychiatric Association publishes the DSM, but its diagnostic criteria were largely shaped by a small group of people - predominantly white men with ties to pharmaceutical companies - whose process looked more like sausage-making than science.



Why is DSM-5 criticized by researchers? 

Field trials for DSM-5 showed reliability had actually declined from earlier editions. For some of the most common diagnoses, including major depression and generalized anxiety, agreement between clinicians was barely better than chance.



Is a psychiatric diagnosis actually reliable? 

Reliability means two different clinicians would give the same patient the same diagnosis. Research on the DSM-5 shows this is far less consistent than most parents assume - and a reliable diagnosis still isn't necessarily a correct one.



Are children being overdiagnosed with mental health conditions? 

Research shows that the youngest children in a classroom are significantly more likely to receive a psychiatric diagnosis than their older classmates, especially for ADHD - suggesting that what's being measured is developmental maturity, not a mental disorder.



Does the DSM apply equally to children from different cultural backgrounds? 

The DSM was built on a Euro-centric framework, and critics argue it pathologizes behaviors that are normal or valued in many Global Majority cultures. This has real consequences for how children from different backgrounds get diagnosed and treated.



Why do mental health diagnoses focus on the individual instead of their circumstances? 

The DSM is deliberately designed to identify disorders within a person rather than look at the conditions around them. It makes sense that a person going through a relationship breakup might feel sad, angry, and/or uncertain about the future.  That doesn’t mean they’re ‘depressed.’  Dr. Horwitz explains what that choice costs - and who pays the most.


What You'll Learn in This Episode

Why diagnosis serves the psychiatric profession and the insurance system in ways that don’t always help the person being diagnosed
How the shift from psychoanalysis to the DSM-3 in 1980 dramatically expanded who could be diagnosed with depression - and why that shift was driven by professional rivalry, not new science
What reliability and validity actually mean in psychiatric diagnosis, and why the numbers from DSM-5 field trials alarmed even people inside the system
How the people who built the DSM criteria handled disagreements - and why the process Dr. Horwitz describes is so different from what most parents imagine
Why a child's birthdate relative to their classmates can predict their likelihood of receiving a psychiatric diagnosis
How socioeconomic status shapes not just whether a child gets diagnosed, but when they take their medication and why
What the removal of the bereavement exclusion in DSM-5 tells us about the direction the system is heading
Why the same behaviors that get a child diagnosed with ADHD in the US might get that child's family into therapy in the UK instead
What Dr. Horwitz thinks would actually make a difference for children's mental health - and why the most effective interventions are rarely the ones being offered



Your Triggers Aren't a Diagnosis. But They're Worth Understanding.

This episode makes the case that the mental health system focuses on only what's happening inside a person instead of looking at the broader circumstances around them - mostly to sell us more drugs. 



In reality, our struggles are a combination of the challenges we’ve experienced in the past (and how we’ve learned to handle them), and our situation today.  We have to see both pieces to make sense of where we’ve been, and learn new tools for what’s happening now.



When your child's behavior sends you into a reaction you regret later, a diagnosis or prescription may not help as much as understanding what's underneath that reaction and where it came from. 



That's exactly what the Taming Your Triggers workshop is built to help you do. In 10 weeks, you'll learn why you react the way you do, how to meet your own needs so you have more capacity for your kids, and how to respond from your values instead of your history.



Enrollment is extended until Sunday, March 15.



Click the banner to learn more





Jump to highlights:

02:14 Introduction to today’s episode

03:44 Why do we diagnose mental illness, and whose interests does the diagnostic system serve? Dr. Allan Horwitz explains that diagnoses maintain psychiatry's legitimacy and prestige as a medical profession, regardless of the knowledge behind each diagnosis.

05:10 Patients now often expect specific diagnoses before treatment even begins.

14:27 People experiencing sadness from job loss or relationship endings can benefit from medication, but to get prescriptions, you need a diagnosis of a disorder, even when the response is completely expectable given the circumstances.

15:39 The DSM locates suffering within individuals rather than examining broader social circumstances.

19:00 Wrapping up.

21:25 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership.

When your three-year-old hits you, their sibling, or another child, it's easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even angry. You might wonder if this challenging behavior means something is wrong with your child or your parenting. 



In this episode, I help you see hitting in a completely different way. Instead of viewing it as a problem to eliminate, we'll explore what your child is trying to communicate through their actions. You'll discover how hitting is often your child's attempt to meet important needs when they don't yet have the words or skills to do it differently. This shift in perspective changes everything about how you respond.



Most advice about hitting focuses on consequences, time-outs, or behavior charts. But these approaches miss what's really happening. In this episode, I walk you through real examples from parents dealing with hitting, and show you how to identify the feelings and needs driving the behavior. If you're not sure where to start with identifying your child's needs, this quick quiz can help you figure out which needs might be going unmet.



You'll learn practical strategies for helping your child develop replacement behaviors for hitting that actually meet their needs. Whether your child hits when they're frustrated, overwhelmed, or seeking connection, you'll leave with tools to support them while also taking care of yourself and keeping everyone safe.


Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal for 3 year olds to hit? Yes, hitting is common in early childhood. Three-year-olds are still developing language skills and emotional regulation, so they often use physical actions to communicate feelings or meet needs they can't express in words yet.



What is a replacement behavior for hitting? Replacement behaviors depend on what need your child is trying to meet. If they're seeking sensory input, alternatives might include squeezing play dough or pushing against a wall. If they're expressing frustration, they might learn to stomp their feet or use simple words like "I'm mad!"



How do I get my 3 year old to stop hitting? Focus on understanding the feelings and needs behind the hitting rather than just stopping the behavior. Help your child identify what they're feeling, figure out what need they're trying to meet, and practice new ways to meet that need that work for everyone.



Is it normal for a 3 year old to be very aggressive? Frequent hitting or other challenging behavior in early childhood often signals that your child has important unmet needs. This doesn't mean something is wrong with them. It means they need support learning new strategies to meet their needs.



How do you teach children to communicate their needs? Start by helping your child recognize and name their feelings using simple language. Then connect those feelings to underlying needs like autonomy, play, or connection. Practice specific phrases and actions they can use instead of hitting.



What is the connection between feelings and needs? Feelings are signals that tell us whether our needs are met or unmet. When your child feels frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, these feelings point to needs that aren't being met, like autonomy, understanding, or ease.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why hitting and other challenging behavior in early childhood is actually communication about unmet needs
How to identify the specific feelings and needs driving your child's hitting behavior
The difference between expressing needs through hitting versus meeting needs through hitting
Practical replacement behaviors for hitting based on different underlying needs 
Why punishment and consequences don't address the root cause of hitting
How to use the "name it to tame it" approach to help your child recognize their feelings
Steps to support your child in developing new skills while keeping everyone safe
Real examples of parents working through hitting situations using a feelings and needs approach
How to take care of your own needs when your child's challenging behavior triggers you



Taming Your Triggers 

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:
Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…




…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.



Click the banner to sign up!





Jump to highlights:

02:02 Introduction to today’s episode

04:01 An open invitation to Why You're So Angry with Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass.

05:10 Parent shares context where her child hits when excited and demands chocolate at every preschool pickup.

06:56 Jen starts by checking in on the parent's wellbeing and support system, explaining how parental stress shows up in children's behavior.

09:47 Jen helps the parent see the behavior as an expression of a difficult situation rather than defiance or stubbornness.

11:28 Jen identifies three needs behind the joy/indulgence, autonomy, and connection after being apart all day.

20:02 Connection and autonomy are the top two needs of young kids.

22:40 Identifying patterns (hitting happens when super excited) and offering redirection strategies like jumping together.

Are you exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix? Do you find yourself more irritable with your children than you ever imagined possible? You might be experiencing parental burnout and you're far from alone.



In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Moïra Mikolajczak, one of the world's leading researchers on parental burnout, along with listener Kelly, who shares her raw, honest experience of burning out while raising her young daughter. Dr. Mikolajczak reveals groundbreaking research showing that parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as other parents - even higher than people suffering from chronic pain or experiencing marital abuse.



We explore why Western parents are at such high risk compared to parents in other cultures, what happens when the pressure to be a "perfect parent" collides with isolation and lack of support, and most importantly, what actually works for recovery. Kelly opens up about the moment she had a complete breakdown far from home, unable to even find her way to a train station, and the seven-month journey that followed.



If you've ever felt like you're racing through life unable to stop, or wondered whether your exhaustion is affecting your children, this episode offers both validation and a path forward.


Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is parental burnout?

Parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel completely depleted by their parenting role. It includes four main symptoms: extreme exhaustion that doesn't improve with sleep, emotional distancing from your children, loss of pleasure in parenting, and a painful contrast between the parent you are now and the parent you wanted to be.



What are the symptoms of parental burnout?

The clearest warning signs are fatigue that persists despite adequate sleep and increased irritability, especially when you're with your children but not at work. Parents may experience mood swings, feel unable to recognize themselves, struggle with violent feelings toward their children, or completely lose confidence as a parent.



How does parental burnout affect children?

When parents reach the emotional distancing stage of burnout, it can lead to either neglect, violence (verbal or physical), or both. However, the impact on children can be reduced significantly if the other parent or a support person can compensate by providing consistent care and emotional presence.



What causes parental burnout?

Parental burnout results from a severe imbalance between parenting stressors and resources. Key risk factors include parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, lack of leisure time, and the intense pressure in Western cultures to be a "perfect parent" while managing everything alone.



How is parental burnout different from job burnout?

While both involve exhaustion, they occur in different contexts. Job burnout centers on work exhaustion and distance from work beneficiaries, while parental burnout involves exhaustion from parenting and emotional distance from your children. You can have one without the other - in fact, many burned-out parents escape into their work.



What does parental burnout feel like?

Parents describe feeling like they've reached the end of their tether just thinking about what they need to do for their children. One parent in this episode describes racing forward like a heavy train that couldn't be stopped, then experiencing a complete collapse where she couldn't get out of bed, seemed physically sick, and had no energy despite having been fine the day before.



How do you recover from parental burnout?

Recovery requires two things: being heard in a truly non-judgmental way, and rebalancing your life by either removing stressors or adding resources. This might mean reducing children's activities, getting consistent help, working on emotional skills, addressing perfectionism, or improving co-parenting. Professional support helps identify changes you can't see yourself.



Why do Western parents experience more burnout?

Western countries have significantly higher parental burnout rates because of intense social pressure to raise "perfect" children, constant monitoring by institutions and other parents, pervasive social media comparison, and profound isolation. A Western parent with two children faces higher burnout risk than an African parent with eight or nine children who has community support.



How can I tell if I need to take a parental burnout assessment?

If you experience fatigue that doesn't disappear after several good nights of sleep, along with irritability that's noticeably worse when you're with your children (but better at work), and these symptoms persist for two to three weeks, you should consider taking the Parental Burnout Assessment.



Can you prevent parental burnout?

Prevention focuses on maintaining balance between parenting stressors and resources. This includes managing perfectionist expectations, building emotional regulation skills, ensuring quality co-parenting, maintaining consistent parenting practices, protecting time for yourself, limiting social media exposure, and actively seeking social support rather than parenting in isolation.


What You'll Learn in This Episode

The science behind parental burnout and why it's different from regular exhaustion
How to recognize the warning signs before you reach crisis point
Why being a "good parent" in modern Western culture sets you up for burnout
The specific risk factors that increase your vulnerability
Real strategies for talking to your children about your burnout
What actually works for recovery (and what doesn't)
How parental burnout impacts children and how to protect them
One parent's lived experience from breakdown to recovery
Why you might be escaping into work without realizing it
The balance assessment that helps identify where to start



Taming Your Triggers 

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:
Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…




…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.



Click the banner to sign up!





Jump to highlights:

01:45 Introduction to today’s guests

03:17 Dr. Mikolajczak explains that parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel totally exhausted by their parenting role, emotionally distant from their children, lose pleasure in parenting, and see a contrast between who they are now and who they wanted to be as a parent.

06:29 A study shows prevalence ranges from less than 1% to 9%, with Euro-centric countries showing much higher rates than Asian or African countries.

08:20 Kelly shares her experience, describing how burnout feels. She had a complete blackout while away for work, couldn't find her way home, and then collapsed for days afterward. Seven months later, she's still recovering.

11:48 New research shows parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as control parents, even higher than people with severe chronic pain

15:11 Burnout primarily affects children when parents become emotionally distant, which can lead to neglect or violence. A supportive partner can buffer these effects.

19:06 Dr. Mikolajczak explains how parenting expectations have completely changed in just less than 100 years. Parents now face intense pressure from the state, schools, and social media to be perfect.

25:05 The biggest risk factors aren't the number of children or child difficulties. They're parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, and lack of time for yourself. Burnout happens when stressors outweigh resources for too long.

38:59 The two most important warning signs are fatigue that doesn't go away with a few good nights' sleep and irritability, especially if these symptoms last more than two or three weeks and happen mostly at home, not at work.

48:33 Parents need to be listened to in a nonjudgmental way, and they need to rebalance their stressors and resources. This might mean cutting extracurricular activities, finding new support systems, or working with a psychologist to identify changes you didn't think were possible.

53:43 Create a visual schedule so your child knows what's coming next and when they'll have time with you. Reward alone time with something your child loves. Find activities they can do independently, even if just for short periods.

When you started parenting, you probably had ideas about the kind of parent you wanted to be. Maybe you imagined patient bedtimes and peaceful mornings. Then reality hit, and you found yourself doing things you swore you'd never do.



Parent Maile Grace knows this feeling well. In this conversation, she shares how her parenting values have shifted since her daughter was born. She talks about moving away from strategies like timeouts that seemed to work in the moment but didn't align with what she truly wanted for her relationship with her child.



You'll hear how she supports her kids when they're fighting instead of jumping in to fix everything, and why building connections with neighbors matters more to her now than having a perfectly organized home. If you've ever wondered whether collaborative parenting actually works in real life, this episode gives you a peek into one family's experience.


Questions this episode will answer

What is collaborative parenting? Collaborative parenting means working with your child to solve problems instead of using punishments or rewards to control their behavior. It involves understanding what your child is struggling with and finding solutions that work for everyone.



What are parenting values? Parenting values are the principles that guide how you want to raise your children and the kind of relationships you want to build with them. They often include things like respect, connection, autonomy, and understanding.



How do children solve problems? Children learn problem-solving skills when adults support them through conflicts rather than immediately fixing things. They practice identifying their own feelings and what matters to them, then working together to find solutions.



What is collaborative problem solving? Collaborative problem solving is an approach where parents help children navigate challenges by exploring what's hard for everyone involved and creating solutions together, rather than imposing consequences or rewards.



How much sibling fighting is normal? Sibling conflicts are a regular part of childhood. Instead of trying to eliminate fighting completely, parents can focus on supporting children through these moments to help them develop problem-solving and relationship skills.



Why is parent collaboration important? When parents work collaboratively with children, kids learn to understand their own feelings and what matters to them. This approach builds stronger relationships and helps children develop skills they'll use throughout their lives.


What you'll learn in this episode

How one parent's values shifted from wanting a "well-behaved" child to prioritizing connection and understanding
Why some common parenting strategies work in the short term but can damage relationships over time
A real example of how collaborative problem-solving looks when siblings are fighting
How to support children in working through conflicts without immediately stepping in to fix things
What it means to let go of trying to control your child's behavior
Why building neighborhood connections became a higher priority than maintaining a perfectly organized home
The difference between parenting strategies that change behavior and approaches that build skills and relationships



Taming Your Triggers 

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:
Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…




…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.



Click the banner to sign up!





Jump to highlights:

02:01 A brief introduction to today’s guest and what today’s episode is all about

03:40 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership, where you can find the full version of this episode

07:12 Maile gives an example about a challenging time that didn't go the way that she hoped and how she managed to come back around after the words

14:32 What does Maile’s son do to find a connection with her?

19:30 What can you do when you experience the moment where there were like little releases, and then the frustration comes back?

25:07 An open invitation to Taming Your Triggers workshop

When your child struggles with behavior or attention, doctors might suggest ADHD medication. Before you move forward, you should know what a psychiatric diagnosis actually is - and what it isn't.

This episode examines how psychiatric diagnoses actually work - and what they don't tell you. Dr. Sami Timimi, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in the UK, explains how the mental health system has become an industrial complex that profits from turning distress into diagnoses.

You'll learn why a diagnosis doesn't mean doctors have found something wrong with your child's brain, and why the framework we use to understand mental health struggles might be missing the bigger picture. If you've ever felt pressured to medicate your child or wondered whether there's more to the story than a "chemical imbalance", this conversation will give you the information you didn't know you were missing.

Questions this episode will answer
What do you do when your child has a behavioral problem? Instead of immediately seeking a diagnosis, consider the social context - school environments, family stress, economic pressures, and whether your child's environment actually fits their needs. Addressing these factors can be more effective than focusing solely on fixing the individual child.

What is a psychiatric diagnosis evaluation? A psychiatric diagnosis evaluation is a process where behaviors are observed and categorized according to checklists, but it doesn't involve measuring anything in the brain or body. The diagnosis describes behaviors but doesn't explain what causes them.

Can ADHD be misdiagnosed? Since ADHD diagnosis relies on behavior checklists rather than objective tests, two evaluators can reach different conclusions about the same child. The behaviors labeled as ADHD - hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity - are descriptions, not explanations of what's causing those behaviors.

What is the most common childhood behavioral disorder? ADHD is commonly diagnosed in children, but saying a child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder is circular reasoning - we're just describing the behavior using medical language.

How does parenting affect mental health? Single parents and parents experiencing poverty face significant stressors that impact mental health. When parents seek help for depression or anxiety, they're often directed toward medication rather than receiving support that addresses the actual challenges they face - lack of resources, isolation, and overwhelming demands.

What are the biggest determinants of mental health? Social and economic factors - housing security, job stability, poverty, social support, and community resources - are major determinants of mental health. These environmental conditions create distress that often gets labeled as individual mental illness.

How can social factors affect your mental health? Social factors like economic insecurity, isolation, and the structure of our society create feelings of alienation and the sense that "I'm not good enough." When we say these problems are inside individuals rather than addressing social conditions, we miss opportunities to reduce distress at its source.

What does industrial complex mean in mental health? The mental health industrial complex refers to the entire ecosystem that profits from mental health diagnoses - from expensive assessments and therapies to pharmaceuticals, apps, books, and self-help products. It turns distress into a commodity that can be mined for profit.

What you'll learn in this episode
What happens during psychiatric diagnosis evaluations (and why no brain scan is involved)
Why ADHD medication studies show different results at 14 months versus 30 months (and you’ve probably only heard of the 14 month outcomes)
How the mental health industrial complex profits from turning distress into diagnoses
What parents should know about the difference betweendescribingbehaviors andexplainingthem (and why it matters)
Why circular reasoning (like “your child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder") is everywhere in mental health but rarely discussed
How poverty and lack of social support create mental health struggles that get diagnosed as disorders
What happens when we assume problems are "inside" people rather than in their circumstances
Why supporting families through social and economic interventions might reduce distress more effectively than individual treatment
How the framework we use to understand distress shapes what solutions seem possible
What to consider before starting medication for yourself or your child


Jump to highlights:
01:37 A brief introduction to today’s episode
04:06 Introducing today’s guest
05:41 What does the mental health industrial complex mean?
12:28 How does Dr. Sami Timimi respond when others view his perspective as a fringe position on ADHD and mental health?
14:45 Dr. Sami Timimi can't blame the people for accepting diagnoses as brain-based conditions because they assume doctors have found something wrong in their brains
16:59 A quick review of what we learned today