Episode Summary 04: Reparenting Yourself: Break Your Family’s Trauma Cycle
Every parent knows that harsh inner voice that whispers "You're a terrible parent" when you lose your patience, or "You've ruined your kids forever" after a difficult moment. This episode reveals a simple "magic trick" that can instantly create space between you and those critical thoughts - and it's something anyone can learn. Discover how one powerful phrase can transform your reactions from triggered explosions to curious responses. You'll learn where your inner critic actually comes from (hint: it's often an echo from your own childhood), and how reparenting yourself can break generational cycles of trauma. This episode recaps the following episodes, giving you a lot of the benefit of 3 hours of content, in just 21 minutes:SYPM 017: Reparenting ourselves to create empathy in the world with Amy178: How to heal your inner critic193: You don't have to believe everything you thinkQuestions This Episode Will AnswerWhat is the inner critic and how does it affect parenting?The inner critic is that harsh, judgmental voice that tells you you're failing as a parent. It often stems from childhood trauma and can trigger explosive reactions to normal child behavior. Where does the inner critic come from?Your inner critic is usually an internalized version of critical voices from your childhood - parents, teachers, or caregivers who couldn't handle your authentic self or big emotions. How do you identify your inner critic?Watch for thoughts using absolute language ("always," "never," "terrible"), character judgments ("I'm a bad parent"), catastrophic conclusions, and voices that sound like critical figures from your past. What does reparenting yourself mean?Reparenting yourself means giving yourself the patience, understanding, and compassion you didn't receive as a child - becoming the caring parent to yourself that you needed growing up. How do you reparent yourself as a parent?Start by questioning your thoughts instead of believing them automatically. When you notice self-critical thoughts, respond to yourself with the same gentleness you'd offer a dear friend or your own child. How can you break the generational cycle of trauma?Use tools like the ‘magic trick’ from this episode to create space between your triggered reactions and conscious responses, allowing you to respond from your values instead of reacting from old wounds. What are common inner critic examples parents experience?"Everyone thinks I'm a bad parent", "I'm raising a disrespectful child", "I've damaged my child forever", "Other parents are better than me", and "I'm just repeating my parents' mistakes". How does childhood trauma affect parenting?Unresolved childhood trauma can make you react disproportionately to normal child behavior, shut down emotionally when children express big emotions, or swing between being too permissive and too strict. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeThe Simple...
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Episode Summary 03: How to Stop Yelling as a Parent: Emotional Regulation Techniques That Work
Does your child's behavior sometimes trigger such an instant, overwhelming reaction that you find yourself yelling before you even realize what happened?
That moment when your jaw clenches, your shoulders tense, and suddenly you're saying things you wish you could take back? You're experiencing what millions of parents face daily - a nervous system response that happens faster than conscious thought.
This episode reveals the science behind why willpower alone isn't enough to stop yelling, and introduces you to specific, learnable skills that can transform how you respond to your child's most challenging moments.
You'll discover what's actually happening in your body during those triggered moments, why suppressing your anger isn't the answer, and how your emotional responses are teaching your child crucial lessons about handling life's difficulties.
Most importantly, you'll learn practical techniques that work in real parenting situations - not theoretical advice that falls apart when your preschooler has a meltdown in the grocery store.
This summary episode makes all the research from several much longer episodes available for time-strapped parents. If you want to learn more, these episodes will help:
056: Beyond “You’re OK!”: Modeling Emotion Regulation082: Regulating emotions: What, When, & How129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids
Questions this episode will answer
What is emotional regulation and why do parents struggle with it?
Emotional regulation is monitoring, evaluating, and modifying emotional reactions to accomplish your parenting goals. Parents struggle because stress triggers happen faster than rational thought.
Why do I yell at my child even when I don't want to?
Your sympathetic nervous system floods your body with stress hormones before your rational brain registers what's happening, making yelling an automatic response.
What are the best emotional regulation techniques for parents?
Simple grounding techniques like conscious breathing, body awareness, and reappraisal strategies that work with your nervous system instead of against it. When you use these techniques makes all the difference.
How do I stop yelling as a parent without suppressing my emotions?
Learn to acknowledge your emotions while using grounding techniques to create space between your automatic reaction and your chosen response.
Does yelling at your child affect them long-term?
Yes, children learn emotional regulation by watching how you handle intense moments. Your responses teach them whether emotions are safe or dangerous.
How can I improve my emotional regulation as a busy parent?
Practice recognizing your body's early warning signals and use quick techniques like one conscious breath or muscle awareness throughout the day. This will help your body to learn the skills when the stakes are lower, so they’ll be more accessible in the difficult moments.
What you'll learn in this episode
You'll discover the biological reason why "just stay calm" doesn't work and why your body reacts to parenting stress the same way it responds to actual danger.
Learn to identify your personal early warning signals and how to use them as valuable information rather than problems to ignore.
Master simple grounding techniques that...
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254: What is FAFO Parenting? The 9 Most Important Things Parents Should Know
If you've been scrolling TikTok or parenting forums lately, you've probably encountered FAFO parenting - the trending approach that's being positioned as the antidote to ‘overly permissive’ gentle parenting. Standing for ‘F*** Around and Find Out,’ this parenting style centers on letting children experience harsh consequences without parental intervention, even when parents could easily prevent those consequences.
But is FAFO parenting actually effective, or does it create more problems than it solves? In this comprehensive episode, we explore what FAFO parenting really looks like in practice, examine the research behind popular parenting approaches, and uncover why both FAFO and traditional gentle parenting often miss the mark.
Most importantly, we'll discover collaborative alternatives that meet both children's developmental needs and parents' legitimate needs - without the exhaustion of scripted responses or the relationship damage of harsh consequences.
Questions this episode will answer
What does FAFO parenting actually mean?
FAFO stands for "F*** Around and Find Out" - an approach where parents let children experience unpleasant consequences without intervention, believing this teaches better decision-making.
What are real examples of FAFO parenting in action?
Examples include letting a child walk home in the rain without a coat, throwing away toys left on the floor, and making children buy their own underwear after accidents.
Why is FAFO parenting gaining popularity among parents?
Parents exhausted by gentle parenting scripts and constant negotiation are attracted to FAFO's apparent simplicity and the promise of teaching children through direct consequences.
What's the difference between consequences and punishments in parenting?
Authentic consequences happen naturally (getting cold without a jacket), while punishments are artificially created by parents (throwing away toys, withholding food, or requiring that kids replace underwear they’ve soiled).
Does gentle parenting actually create "soft" children?
Research doesn't support this claim. Most of what's called "gentle parenting" online is actually scripted control, and a fear of children’s big feelings, not truly responsive parenting.
Why might children lie more when parents use FAFO approaches?
When honesty consistently leads to harsh consequences parents could prevent, children learn that hiding problems is safer than seeking help.
What really causes behavioral challenges in today's children?
Multiple factors including increased academic pressure, reduced recess, economic stress, social media impact, and less community support - not parenting styles alone (or screen time alone either!).
Is authoritative parenting really the "gold standard" research proves?
The original authoritative parenting research included spanking and only compared four control-based approaches, missing collaborative alternatives that work even better.
What you'll learn in this episode
The hidden problems with FAFO parenting that can damage parent-child relationships: Discover how this approach can increase lying, reduce trust, and position parents as adversaries rather than allies in their children's development.
Why most "gentle parenting" isn't actually gentle: Learn how scripted validation and sweetener offers are really just "control with lipstick," and why this approach exhausts parents without meeting children's real needs.
The real reasons behind children's challenging behaviors: Understand the complex factors...
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253: How to Do Homeschooling: A Former Teacher Explores Unschooling
Ever wondered about alternative paths to educate your child outside the traditional school system? My guest today is Laura Moore, who spent 15 years in early childhood education - and who is now exploring homeschooling alternatives, including unschooling, for her own child.
As a teacher and mother of a 3.5-year-old, Laura brings a unique insider perspective to the education debate. She opens up about witnessing the limitations of the current school system, the pressure children face to conform to rigid schedules, and why she's questioning whether traditional schooling truly serves our children's best interests.
You'll hear a raw, honest conversation between two parents grappling with real concerns about education choices. Laura shares her genuine questions about balancing work with alternative education, handling judgment from others, and whether children can truly thrive outside the conventional system. Her curiosity about unschooling leads to fascinating insights about child-led learning, maintaining boundaries while honoring children's natural rhythms, and creating educational experiences that preserve rather than diminish curiosity.
Questions this episode will answer
What is unschooling and how does it work?How is unschooling different from homeschooling?Can you homeschool while working full time?What are the pros and cons of homeschooling?How to get started with homeschooling?Is homeschooling better than traditional education?What are the advantages of homeschooling?What's wrong with the traditional education system?How do you handle judgment about homeschooling decisions?Do homeschooled children get into college?How do homeschooled children get socialization?What's the role of parents in unschooling?How do you balance work and alternative education as a family?What happens to children's natural curiosity in traditional school?
What you'll learn in this episode
The insider perspective on traditional education's limitations: Hear firsthand from a teacher about the systemic issues affecting children's learning and wellbeing in conventional schools, including the impact of rigid scheduling and underfunding.
How unschooling preserves children's natural curiosity: Discover why traditional schooling often kills children's innate desire to learn and how alternative approaches can maintain and nurture this crucial trait throughout childhood.
Practical strategies for balancing work and alternative education: Learn how to homeschool while working full time, including realistic approaches for working parents, flexible scheduling, community programs, and family support systems.
Discover the advantages and disadvantages of homeschooling: Get a comprehensive overview of homeschooling pros and cons compared to traditional education, and develop a practical homeschooling plan for families considering alternatives.
The truth about socialization in homeschooling: Understand how homeschooled children actually develop social skills and why the diversity of real-world interactions often surpasses traditional classroom socialization.
How to handle family and social pressure about education choices: Get specific strategies for responding to criticism and judgment while staying true to your family's values and educational philosophy.
Real examples of learning without formal curriculum: See how everyday activities like volunteering at animal shelters, helping with household tasks, and following natural interests create rich learning opportunities.
The college and career reality for unschooled children: Learn about the...
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252: From ‘Be the Best’ Anxiety to Trusting Your Child’s Natural Learning
When Sara's four-year-old son started asking permission to use art supplies he'd always freely accessed before, she knew something had shifted. After a year in a (loving, high-quality!) preschool, her previously autonomous child was suddenly seeking approval for things that had never required it. Sara had never required this at home, and in fact it worried her because it didn't fit with her values to treat her son as a whole person.
If this shift was happening so obviously at home, what other changes might be occurring that she couldn't see yet - changes that might not align with what mattered most to her family?
Sara wished she could homeschool, but knew it wasn't in the cards. Seeing the shift in her son showed her that once her son started formal school, she was going to be the one who helped him to stay connected to learning that wasn't just based on rote memorization.
But how would she do this, when she wasn't a teacher?
In this conversation, Sara shares how she learned to step back from teaching and instead scaffold her son's innate curiosity about everything from astronauts to construction vehicles. As an architect and immigrant parent navigating cultural pressures around achievement, Sara's story reveals how supporting your child's interests rather than directing their learning can transform both your relationship and their confidence as a learner.
Whether you're working full-time, in school, homeschooling, or simply wondering how to nurture your child's curiosity without taking over, Sara's practical examples show that interest-based learning doesn't have to add a lot of work to busy family life. It becomes an organic part of how you connect and explore the world together.
Questions this episode will answer
What does interest-based learning look like in real family life?How can parents support learning without taking over their child's exploration?What is scaffolding in education and how do you do it effectively?How do you identify and follow your child's genuine interests?What are learning explorations and how do they differ from traditional teaching?How can working parents implement interest-led learning with limited time?What role should documentation play in supporting children's learning?How do you overcome perfectionism when supporting your child's education?What does "following the child" mean in practice?How can parents build their child's creative problem-solving skills?
What you'll learn in this episode
You'll discover practical strategies for supporting your child's innate curiosity without turning into the teacher. Sara shares specific examples of learning explorations around space and construction vehicles that show how to scaffold learning by asking questions instead of providing answers.
You'll learn to recognize when your child is truly engaged versus when you've taken over their exploration. The episode reveals how small shifts in language - things like pausing and saying: "Hmmm…I wonder?" instead of immediately explaining - can transform everyday moments into meaningful learning opportunities.
This simple shift transitions the responsibility for learning from you back to your child, and invites them to consider how their current question fits with what they already know.
It also establishes a habit of what we do when we have questions: we don't simply jump to Google or ChatGPT; we first work to understand whether we might actually already have the answer (or something close to it) ourselves. This protects our kids against the stupidification that research warns us is happening now that we can turn to AI to answer our every question.
Sara's journey from perfectionist parent (her parents' motto when she was a child: "Be The Best!") to
Über Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
Parenting is hard…but does it have to be this hard?
Wouldn’t it be better if your kids would stop pressing your buttons quite as often, and if there was a little more of you to go around (with maybe even some left over for yourself)?
On the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, Jen Lumanlan M.S., M.Ed explores academic research on parenting and child development. But she doesn’t just tell you the results of the latest study - she interviews researchers at the top of their fields, and puts current information in the context of the decades of work that have come before it. An average episode reviews ~30 peer-reviewed sources, and analyzes how the research fits into our culture and values - she does all the work, so you don’t have to!
Jen is the author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World (Sasquatch/Penguin Random House). The podcast draws on the ideas from the book to give you practical, realistic strategies to get beyond today’s whack-a-mole of issues. Your Parenting Mojo also offers workshops and memberships to give you more support in implementing the ideas you hear on the show.
The single idea that underlies all of the episodes is that our behavior is our best attempt to meet our needs. Your Parenting Mojo will help you to see through the confusing messages your child’s behavior is sending so you can parent with confidence: You’ll go from: “I don’t want to yell at you!” to “I’ve got a plan.”
New episodes are released every other week - there's content for parents who have a baby on the way through kids of middle school age. Start listening now by exploring the rich library of episodes on meltdowns, sibling conflicts, parental burnout, screen time, eating vegetables, communication with your child - and your partner… and much much more!
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