Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

This is the third and final episode in our series on Dr. Russ Barkley's approach to ADHD. In the first episode, we looked at how ADHD gets diagnosed and why diagnosis rates keep climbing. In the second episode, we covered the medication research - including the largest ADHD treatment study ever conducted, and why most kids stop taking medication within a few years. This episode zooms out to ask a bigger question about whether the medical model has misunderstood ADHD from the start.



This excerpt covers two sections from the full episode: the bell curve Barkley uses to define who has a disorder and who doesn't, and why that framing itself is the problem. And the causal pathway behind the outcomes Barkley warns about - because when you look at the wider body of research, the path from ADHD to reduced life expectancy has a lot more steps in it than Barkley acknowledges, including the peer rejection and teacher stigma kids with ADHD face. The full episode goes further into the evolutionary history behind ADHD traits, the history of how ADHD became a diagnosis, and researcher Andrew Ivan Brown's concept of "misrecognition" - available to members.


Questions this episode will answer

Is ADHD a disability? The answer depends on which definition of disability you're using. Under a strictly medical definition, ADHD is often treated as a brain-based disorder. But under other frameworks, ADHD looks like a mismatch between a person and their environment. 



Is ADHD not a disorder? Some researchers argue ADHD fails to meet the two standards a mental disorder is supposed to meet, once you account for the environment ADHD traits evolved in. This episode walks through that argument step by step.



Do people with ADHD struggle with friendships? Yes. Kids with ADHD are far more likely to be rejected by their peers than other kids, and a large share experience ongoing, chronic exclusion.



Why does ADHD still have a negative stigma, and are people with ADHD discriminated against? Teachers and peers often hold negative assumptions about kids with ADHD, and this episode looks at research showing how those assumptions shape the way kids get treated in the classroom, and what can be done to shift that.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why Barkley's bell curve, which labels one tail "gifted" and the other "disordered," leaves out some important questions
Why some researchers argue ADHD doesn't meet the standard definition of a disorder
Why kids with ADHD face so much higher rates of peer rejection, and what that rejection does to their long-term wellbeing
What classroom accommodations and peer-focused programs reduce ADHD stigma and improve how kids with ADHD are treated by classmates
Why the outcomes Barkley warns about - reduced life expectancy, failed relationships, substance use - have a lot more steps in the causal chain than his model accounts for 


Click Here To Download The Infographic: What Helps Kids With ADHD Thrive - School, Friends, and Framing



Jump to highlights

01:32 Introduction: this is an excerpt from part three of the series on Dr. Russell Barkley's approach to ADHD

02:13 How Barkley uses a bell curve of executive function to define who has a disorder and who doesn't

05:40 Why labeling one tail "gifted" and the other "disordered" is questionable: over-control and conditions like anorexia

09:33 The causal pathway behind the scary outcomes: peer rejection, bullying, and their links to depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation

11:34 Wakefield's criteria for a mental disorder, and the case that the pathway from difference to harm is longer than Barkley suggests

12:20 Peer-mediated programs and classroom interventions that reduce rejection

14:00 Teacher attitudes and how punitive, pessimistic responses can amplify a child's difficulties

16:25 Gaming and "internet addiction" reframed as escape from stressful environments

20:13 Where to find the full episode, and a preview of the next episode with B. Lourenco on neuroaffirming tools

One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them.  When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food - but her daughter refused.  Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused.



Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground - and Iris exploded.  She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her.



And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing?  Why am I so angry?  And why can’t I stop?”



Now, Iris is in a very different place.  She’s not perfect, of course - none of us are.  But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path.  



She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met - she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs.



Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy.



And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often.  (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.)



Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life?  Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior?  My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children - just like Iris has done.



Click the banner to sign up!








Jump to highlights

01:43 Introduction about the guest

08:00 Iris’ childhood impression

15:15 What would Iris say to a person experiencing extreme anger

20:40 Iris’ experience in taking the workshop

26:45 What Iris learned in the workshop

33:56 How was it different today than before for Iris

40:59 Transformations that Iris experienced

Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience.



It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat.



This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode.



I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode.



I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it.



Enjoy the conversation!



Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?

If you want to:

😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,

😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,

😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,



the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.



Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.



Click the banner to learn more!





Jump to highlights

00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest

03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racism and discusses the organization's mission and initiatives

05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations

13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society

18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism

24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother's personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage

28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power

31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she's been able to use them

43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event

47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact

50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

You did everything right today, and it still wasn't enough. Your kid melted down over something small, you lost your patience faster than you wanted to, and now you're lying in bed wondering if today's hard moment left a mark.



In this episode, I get into why some days with our kids are harder than others, and it's rarely just about what happened in that one moment. Temperament mismatch (or a temperament match that causes its own friction), the attachment patterns we picked up long before we had kids, unresolved hurt from our own childhoods, we're carrying more into these interactions than we usually notice.



I share a wilderness first-responder question that changes what to do in the first ten seconds of a hard moment, a parent's story of a forgiveness that happened in her body before it happened in her head, and why the thing you think you need in the moment, five minutes alone, your kid to just listen, is almost never your actual need.


Questions this episode will answer

Why is parenting so hard? It's rarely just the moment in front of you. Temperament mismatch with your child, the attachment patterns you learned long before you had kids, unresolved hurt from your own childhood, and undiagnosed things like ADHD or anxiety all stack on top of each other, so it doesn't take much to push you over the edge on a day that looks fine from the outside.



Why am I so stressed with my kids? Stress in a parenting moment is rarely about the shoes not getting put on. It's usually a strategy standing in for a real need, rest, competence, connection, that's been going unmet for a while. Once you find the need underneath the surface fight, the fight itself tends to lose its grip.



How to be a calmer parent? Start with the same question a wilderness first responder asks first: is the scene safe? Can it be made safe? Once it is, the next move isn't to fix anything, it's to do nothing. Sit down near your kid, take a breath, and try: "It seems like you're having a hard time right now, huh."



What does "community healing" mean? It means processing what's hard with other people who are going through it too, not necessarily a therapist or an expert. Something shifts faster when you're not the only one generating the insight, when you hear someone else name a pattern and realize it's yours too.



How does unresolved trauma affect parenting? Even parents with good parents rarely got shown how to be in conflict well. A childhood pattern like fawning, shutting down, or lashing out doesn't disappear when you become a parent, it shows up again in your own hard moments, often faster and harder than you'd expect.



How do you understand what a nonverbal child needs? You don't need their words to test a guess. Try naming what you think is going on, "I'm wondering if you're having a hard time because you want to feel connected to me right now," and watch for a nod, a glance, or a shift in their body. You don't need to get the words right. Trying to understand is what counts.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why having the opposite temperament from your child can make things hard, and why having the same temperament can make things just as hard in a different way
How the attachment style you learned as a kid shapes what irritates you most in your child's behavior today, and what to do when your patterns don't match
A real story of a parent whose years of trying to forgive her mother in her head finally shifted somewhere else entirely, and what was different about the moment it happened
The two questions to ask in the first ten seconds of a hard moment, before you try to do anything else
Why the thing you think you need in a stressful moment is almost never your actual need, and how to find the one underneath it
How this same approach works even with a child who can't tell you in words what's wrong



Taming Your Triggers

Knowing why a moment is hard doesn't automatically change what happens the next time you're in one. That shift, the kind where you're just not as triggered anymore instead of remembering mid-meltdown what you meant to do differently, tends to happen faster with other people going through it alongside you.



That's what Taming Your Triggers is built around. Whether your pattern is yelling, shutting down, or walking away, you're matched with an AccountaBuddy and dropped into a community of parents doing this work at the same time, so you're not the only one trying to generate the insight on your own. The goal is to help you build a new way of being with your kids, one that holds up on the hard days too.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:59 Introduction to the episode's theme: navigating hard parenting days with grace

02:34 How temperament matches and mismatches between parent and child set the stage for difficult days

06:02 Attachment styles and how anxious or avoidant patterns from childhood shape today's reactions

07:38 Unprocessed trauma, gendered conditioning, and how it resurfaces in parenting moments

11:13 Idea one: making a non-cognitive shift, not just a cognitive one, to actually change the pattern

16:23 Why healing happens in relationship, and the case for community-based healing

21:35 Idea two: you don't have to fix everything in the moment, starting with "is the scene safe?"

24:36 What to say instead of judgment-loaded questions, and inviting the child to share what happened

26:23 Idea three: meeting your own needs more often, and why there's more time for this than it seems

28:16 Why "needs" and "strategies to meet needs" get confused, using the out-the-door-by-8:30 example

30:16 Looking at both the parent's and the child's needs underneath a shoe-putting-on standoff

38:22 Closing: what the Taming Your Triggers workshop offers and how its support is designed to taper off

You promised yourself you wouldn't become your mother. Then your kid won't put their shoes on for the third time, and the voice that comes out isn't really yours.



In this episode, I talk with Terese, a parent who grew up walking on eggshells around a mother who yelled often.  She would yell because Terese had her school books on the dinner table - and then after dinner, she would yell because the books were in the living room.  Terese knew she wanted to raise her own kids differently, but she didn’t have a model for what that would look like. 



She shares what it took to finally stop hearing her mom's words come out of her own mouth, how she navigates her kids fighting with calm and confidence - and what she says to her kids on the nights it doesn't go as well.



We hear how she talks to herself in the moments right before she'd normally snap, and how her son learned to apologize for his mistakes without being asked or told.


Questions this episode will answer

What is breaking generational patterns? It starts with catching yourself mid-reaction (and eventually before your reaction), and recognizing where it came from - often a hurt you experienced in childhood.  Healing that pain, and learning new ways to be with your kids that meets both of your needs, actually breaks the cycle.



How do I stop yelling when I'm angry? Staying logical or repeating yourself more calmly rarely holds once a kid is already melting down. Instead, try to notice when you’re just a little bit agitated - your shoulders are tight; your fists are clenched; there’s a lump in your throat.  That’s the moment to remind yourself of what matters most to you - your relationship with your kids.  



How do you resolve conflict between siblings? Taking the toy away ends the fight but doesn't teach anything. When you can find out what need each child is trying to meet (e.g. autonomy, connection), you can find strategies to help both of them meet their needs.  That’s how they learn how to solve their own conflicts - without you refereeing!



How do you apologize to your kids after yelling? Many parents don’t want to bring up a difficult issue again - they worry that reliving it will hurt their kids more (and it’s uncomfortable, too!).  But apologizing repairs the relationship and makes it stronger than it was before.



How do you teach a child that it's okay to make mistakes? When kids see you make a mistake and own up to it, they learn that everyone makes mistakes.  Then when they make a mistake, when you respond with curiosity instead of anger, even when you feel frustrated, tells your child that no matter what happens, you’ll work to find a solution that works for everyone.



How do I quiet my inner critic as a parent? The voice telling you you're failing usually isn't yours originally - it’s one you heard often in your childhood.  When you hear the voice say “You’re a terrible parent,” try adding: “I’m thinking that I’m a terrible parent.” This creates distance between you and the idea, which makes it easier for you to see that there are other possible explanations for what’s happening.


What you'll learn in this episode

What made Terese realize the way she was talking to her kids was starting to sound like her own mother, and what she did about it
Why trying to be logical and calm in the moment didn't work for her, and what did
How identifying her kids’ needs, instead of taking the toy away, helps them navigate fights more easily
What Terese says to her kids on the far fewer occasions when she still yells, that they now say to other people as well
The specific phrase Terese still uses to quiet the voice telling her she's a bad mom



Taming Your Triggers

There’s no script that will make you stop having big reactions to your kids.  When you work to understand your triggers with a group of parents who are invested in doing this alongside you, you can make much more progress, much faster.  



The Taming Your Triggers workshop helps you see why you feel triggered in the first place (whether you yell, clam up, or walk away), heal those hurts, and be in relationship with your kids in a way that’s aligned with your values.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:44 Introduction to Terese: Swedish, raised partly in Canada, now living in Norway, a teacher and mother of three

03:14 What led Terese to join Taming Your Triggers: snapping at her kids and hearing her mom's voice

04:16 Terese describes her relationship with her mom as a teenager, and feeling like she couldn't exist in her own home

06:22 Naming the peacekeeping role Terese held as a child, always trying to prevent her mom's dysregulation

08:43 Reframing "I'm a bad mom" into "I'm thinking I'm a bad mom," and treating self-care as a need in its own right

11:16 How Terese repairs with her kids differently than her mom ever did with her

13:02 A story about Terese's son voluntarily apologizing to a friend, unprompted

15:10 What's behind her son opening up more: feeling safe to tell the truth even when he's messed up

17:26 What community support added to the experience, beyond just information

19:46 An invitation to join the next Taming Your Triggers cohort