Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Your child's preschool number shows up on your caller ID, and your stomach drops before you even answer. Preschool never calls with good news. Your kid hit someone at the sand table, or kicked a friend in line for the bathroom, and now you're standing there wondering if you have to call another parent and apologize, and whether this is the start of your kid becoming the one nobody wants to play with.

The conversation you have that night probably isn't the first one. You remind your child that we keep our hands to ourselves. Maybe there's an early bedtime attached this time, to show them you mean it. Then the same thing happens again the next week, and you start to wonder what you're missing.

In this episode, I walk through what's actually driving hitting, biting, and kicking at preschool, both for kids who are dealing with a classroom that controls almost everything about their body for the first time, and for teachers managing a room of 20 kids with their own competing pressures. I share what happened when a child hit a teacher after being physically moved into circle time, and a moment from my own daughter's classroom where a nap-time standoff got resolved without anyone losing. By the end, you'll have a different question to ask than "how do I get the hitting to stop."
Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal for preschoolers to hit? Hitting, biting, and kicking are common at this age, especially once a child spends most of the day in a classroom where someone else controls when they sit, move, and talk. That loss of control is often what's underneath the hitting for three and four year olds.

How do I stop my 4 year old from hitting at school? Repeating "hitting isn't okay" rarely works, because most kids already know that before the conversation happens. Look instead at what happened right before the hit, and what was building up earlier in the day.

What are some common behavior problems that 4-year-olds experience in school? Hitting, biting, and kicking often show up around transitions, circle time, and group activities, the exact moments where a child has the least say over their own body.

How to deal with challenging behaviors in preschool? Instead of treating the behavior itself as the problem to fix, it helps to look at what a child's body and day were signaling right before it happened, including sensory overwhelm and a loss of autonomy.

How to handle disruptive behavior in the preschool classroom? For teachers managing a full room, a child's need can often be met alongside a teacher's own needs for competence, ease, and keeping kids safe, without one side having to lose.

How to manage behavior in preschool? The better starting question isn't how to get the behavior to stop. It's what's happening in a child's body and day that leads them there, for parents and teachers both.
What you'll learn in this episode

Why a preschool classroom is often the first place in a child's life where an adult besides a parent controls almost everything about their body, and why that loss of autonomy can come out as hitting or kicking
The story behind a child who hit a teacher during circle time, and what came out only after the fact about what led to it
How to tell whether a child's hitting or kicking is coming from a sensory issue, an autonomy issue, or something else, and how that changes what actually helps
What teachers are usually working to protect when they enforce rules like Circle Time, including their own needs for competence, ease, and children's safety
How I worked out a nap-time standoff with my own daughter's preschool that met her needs and her teachers' needs at the same time
A different question to ask instead of "how do I get this behavior to stop"


Behavior is a signal - here's how to work with it

You already have the instinct to look past the hitting or kicking and ask what's underneath it. What the Stop the Behavior Battles Masterclass adds is a repeatable way to find the answer in the moment, when your kid is already mid-meltdown and you don't have time to think it through from scratch.

That's the whole method: four steps you can walk through with your own kid's situation, the same four steps you'll watch a real parent named Clarice apply to her own son's toy pickup standoff. Practice it enough times, and it starts to happen without you needing to stop and think through each step.

When you enroll, you'll also get a 20-minute coaching session with Denise, our community manager and a credentialed coach, to help you narrow down the strategies most likely to work for your specific kid. And you'll get an invitation to a live call with me on September 16, where I'll share one of my own worst parenting moments and coach live on the spot.

Get the Stop the Behavior Battles Masterclass for $27. Click the banner to learn more.



Jump to highlights

01:10 Introduction to the episode's premise: hitting, biting, and kicking at preschool

04:12 The autonomy shift kids face moving into a classroom, and hitting as a way to signal "I need some say"

07:59 Why kindergarten-readiness pressure pushes teachers and parents toward compliance over accommodation

11:03 Applying the "would I want to be treated this way" test to circle time and other classroom moments

13:33 The adult parallel: snapping at a partner after a hard day, and why we don't extend kids the same grace

14:33 How parents can approach a teacher without blame, and requesting accommodations grounded in real needs

16:07 Jen's own example: finding a nap-time compromise for her daughter that worked for both her and the teachers

17:00 Introducing the Stop the Behavior Battles Masterclass and what it walks parents through

Sara's four-year-old started asking permission for things he used to just do on his own, like grabbing the markers off his own shelf. It was a small request, but it worried her, since nothing about her home had ever required asking first. 



This episode follows what she did next. Sara gets specific about creative problem-solving in action: a drone in the sky and a line of dump trucks waiting outside a construction site. She talks through the exact question that became her compass whenever self-doubt crept back in, and the moment she realized a pattern from her own childhood was at risk of repeating itself in how she was raising her son. If you've ever wondered whether teaching without teaching is even possible while working full time, this conversation walks through what that looked like, day to day.


Questions this episode will answer

What does creative problem-solving look like in a young child? It looks like a kid testing an idea out loud and building on what he already knows instead of waiting to be told. One example: a child working out on his own that a package of sliced cheese needs a sealed bag to stay fresh, after being asked one question instead of given the answer.



How do you support a child's exploratory learning without taking over? Don't give the answer, and the next step tends to follow on its own. A parent's role becomes watching for what the child already knows and how much support helps him move past it.



What is exploratory play, and why does it matter for learning? Exploratory play lets a child test a theory before anyone tells him whether he's right or wrong. A child watching construction vehicles at a work site can build a working idea of how they function, purely from observation and his own reasoning, with no lesson required.



What kind of parenting leads to perfectionism in children? Growing up under pressure to be the best at everything can turn into a lasting belief that anything less isn't good enough. That belief tends to surface again in parenting, often as a hidden discomfort with a child's mistakes or unfinished work.



How do you fit exploratory learning into a full time work schedule? It shows up in ordinary moments that are already happening like the commute or the grocery run. It doesn't require carving out extra hours, just responding differently within the time already spent together.


What you'll learn in this episode

What changed when Sara stopped trying to teach her son and started following his lead instead
The specific question that became Sara's compass whenever self-doubt crept back in
How a four-year-old connected something he'd never seen before to something he already understood, using nothing but his own reasoning
Why Sara calls her son's way of taking in the world his "lantern consciousness," and what that idea comes from
The difference between stepping in to teach and stepping back to scaffold, and how to tell which moment calls for which
What happened when a frustrating moment over a package of cheese turned into one of Sara's favorite examples of exploratory learning
Why documentation is still the hardest part of this approach, even a year in



Knowing when to hold back is a skill

Sara had the values in place long before she had the skill: she wanted to follow her son's lead; she just didn't know what that looked like in the actual moment until a single sentence was already out of her mouth.



The Learning Membership teaches that moment and the specific move you practice: see where your kid is stuck, ask the question that gets him moving again, then get out of the way before you've solved it for him. It gets easier every time.



Enrollment is open until August 26.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

02:04 Introduction of today’s episode

05:03 Sara experienced the pain of conditional worth, where love and acceptance seemed tied to being "the best," which created anxiety when that impossible standard couldn't be met, and now she wants to support Som by following his interests instead of imposing external measures of success

13:40 How has ‘perfectionism’ affected both Sara and her parenting approach with her son, Som?

19:10 Definition of learning exploration from Sara’s perspective

24:29 How was Sara before being a member of the Learning Membership?

28:10 Through the membership, we learn about how learning happens and how a child observes patterns, theorizes, and extrapolates based on those patterns, and applies what he's observed before to new things that he sees out in the world

40:10 Our kids have capabilities if we can learn to see them right and if we can learn to be that person who provides just a little bit of support

49:10 What piece of advice would Sara give to Sara a year ago?

The way we set limits has such profound implications for our parenting: it’s the difference between parenting in a constant state of anxiety, and being truly calm and confident that you’re making the right decisions as you move through your day.



If we set ineffective limits, our child never knows where we stand.  They push and push and push because they know we will allow it, then finally we blow up because they pushed us TOO FAR and they end up in tears (or angry) and we end up angry (or in tears, or both).



But doesn’t setting limits mean being “harsh” or “punitive”?  Not at all!  When we set the right limits (by which I mean the right limits for your family), you can hold those limits effectively and the testing behavior will diminish dramatically.



The result?  More harmony at home.  Less uncertainty for you.  More confidence for your child.  Give it a try!


Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop

If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible – while still having your boundaries respected!), I hope you’ll join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) workshop.



Click the banner to learn more.









Other episodes mentioned:
Why storytelling is so important for our children
Should we just Go Ahead and Heap Rewards on our Child?






Jump to highlights

00:00 Introduction of the episode topic and framing

04:01 Cross-cultural discipline: shame, corporal punishment, and their purposes

07:56 How authoritative versus controlling parenting differs across cultures

11:16 Haim Ginott's ideas and the roots of emotion coaching and limit setting

14:08 When to set limits: Magda Gerber's approach and providing structure

21:59 How children's non-compliance changes from toddlerhood to age five

25:41 Ginott's three zones of discipline

32:27 Why using fantasy or false praise to gain compliance backfires

34:54 What to do when a child still won't cooperate

38:13 Logical consequences versus punishment, with a real example from home



References

Andreadakis, E., Joussemet, M., & Mageau, G.A. (2018). How to support toddlers’ autonomy: Socialization practices reported by parents. Early Education and Development 1-18.



Denby, R.W., & Alford, K.A. (1996). Understanding African American discipline styles: Suggestions for effective social work intervention. Journal of Multicultural Social Work 4(3), 81-98. Full article available at https://www.researchgate.net/publication/234770892_Understanding_African_American_Discipline_Styles_Suggestions_for_Effective_Social_Work_Intervention



Gough, J.L. (2006). Make mild moments memorable: Add a little arousal. Trends in Cognitive Sciences 10(8), 345-347. Full article available at http://aclab.human.cornell.edu/publications/papers/McGaugh_TiCS06.pdf



Helwig, C.C., To, S., Wang, Q., Liu, C., & Yang, S. (2014). Judgements and reasoning about parental discipline involving induction and psychological control in China and Canada. Child Development 85(3), 1150-1167.



Hoffman, M.L. (1960). Power assertion by the parent and its impact on the child. Child Development 31(1), 129-143



Joussemet, M., Koestner, R., Lekes, N., & Houlfort, N. (2004). Introducing uninteresting tasks to children: A comparison of the effects of rewards and autonomy support. Journal of Personality 72(1), 139-166.



Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology 49(3), 194-200



Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., & Koestner, R. (2014). Promoting optimal parenting and children’s mental health: A preliminary evaluation of the how-to parenting program. Journal of Child and Family Studies 23(6), 949-964.



Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., Larose, M-P, Briand, M., & Vitaro, F. (2018). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk: A randomized controlled trial evaluating the efficacy of the how-to parenting program on children’s mental health compared to a wait-list control group. BMC Pediatrics 18, 257-



Kochanska, G., & Aksan, N. (1995). Mother-child mutually positive affect, the quality of child compliance to requests and prohibitions, and maternal control as correlates of early internalization. Child Development 66(1), 236-254.



Kuczynski, L., & Kochanska, G. (1990). Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology 26(3), 398-408.



Lepper, M.L. (1983). Social-control processes and the internalization of social values: An attributional perspective. In E.T. Higgins, D.N. Ruble, & W.W. Hartup (Eds.), Social cognition and social development (p.294-330). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.



Mageau, G.A., Lessard, J., Carpentier, J., Robichaud, J-M, Joussemet, M., & Koestner, R. (2018). Effectiveness and acceptability beliefs regarding logical consequences and mild punishments.



Rohner, R.P., & Pettengill, S.M. (1985). Perceived parental acceptance-rejection and parental control among Korean adolescents. Child Development 56, 524-528.



Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review 30, 74-99.

If you’ve been a parent for a while, or maybe even if you haven’t, you probably saw an article on Holding Space making the rounds of online communities a few years ago.  In the article the author, Heather Plett, describes how she and her siblings were able to hold space for their dying mother in her final days because a palliative care nurse held space for them.


The article outlined some principles of holding space, and I think it really resonated with a lot of people – possibly because so many of us wish we had been held in that way, and we find ourselves trying to hold space for others in that way without a lot of guidance or support.



I kept that article in the back of my mind, and last year I took Heather’s 9-month in-depth course on holding space, and she’s just released a book called The art of holding space: A practice of love, liberation, and leadership.  In this episode we discuss what it means to hold space for others as parents, and how to raise our children to be able to hold space for others.



Links mentioned in the episode

The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership (Affiliate link).

The Centre for Holding Space Website



Jump to highlights

01:38 Introduction to the episode and guest Heather Plett

02:38 What it means to hold space for someone

03:10 The three-layered bowl: what you offer, what guides you, and what supports you

08:23 What liminal space means, and where the concept comes from

20:51 What holding space looks like in the parent-child relationship

24:07 Allyship: supporting a child without taking over their struggle

29:08 Tools for supporting a parent who's clearly struggling

32:53 Discernment, humility, and intuition: the hardest layer of the bowl

43:49 Hijacking space, and catching yourself doing it to your own child

49:26 The spiral of authenticity, and giving children room to be themselves

This episode began out of a query that I see repeated endlessly in online parenting groups: “My child has a really strong preference for me.  They get on great with the other parent (usually the father, in a heterosexual relationship) when I’m not around, but when I’m there it’s all “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!”  This is destroying my partner; how can we get through this stage?”



So that’s where I began the research on this question, and it led me down quite a rabbit hole – I’d never thought too much about whether mothers and fathers fulfill unique roles in a child’s development and while it isn’t necessarily as prescriptive as “the mother provides… and the father provides… ,” in many families these roles do occur and this helps to explain why children prefer one parent over another. (we also touch on how this plays out in families where both parents are of the same gender).



My guest for this episode is Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepheard, Professor at California State University Chico, whose research focuses on children’s social and emotional development and  relationships with their fathers.


Parenting Membership 

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.



The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!










Click the “Send Voicemail” button on the right >>> to record your message for the 100th episode: it can be a question, a comment, or anything else you like!



Jump to highlights

10:17 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepherd

11:07 Richard Bowlby's model of dual attachment: safe haven versus secure exploration

17:22 The purpose of rough and tumble play

21:38 Why "60 to 70% secure attachment" is more alarming than reassuring

23:06 What attunement and reflective functioning mean

27:10 Why attachment patterns transmit more strongly through mothers than fathers

31:05 What happens when only one parent engages in reflective functioning

33:56 Attachment hierarchies: why children often prefer one parent

44:07 Earned security: how attachment patterns can shift in adulthood

47:19 Maternal gatekeeping and its effect on father involvement

52:14 Why some fathers become "just transportation" by adolescence






References

Benbassat, N., & Priel, B. (2015). Why is father’s reflective function important? Psyhoanalytic Psychology 32(1) 1-22. Benoit, D. & Parker, K.C



.H. (1994). Stability and Transmission of Attachment across Three Generations. Child Development, 65 (5), 1444-1456.



Bretherton, I., Lambert, J.D., & Golby, B. (2005). Involved fathers of preschool children as seen by themselves and their wives: Accounts of attachment, socialization, and companionship. Attachment & Human Development 7(3), 229-251.



Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Hanlon, C. (2013). Family play and leisure activities: Correlates of parents’ and children’s socio-emotional well-being. International Journal of Play 2(3), 254-272.



Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Newland, L.A. (2013). Mothers’ and fathers’ couple and family contextual influences, parent involvement, and school-age child attachment. Early Childhood Development and Care 183(3-4), 553-569.



Dumont, C., & Paquette, D. (2013). What about the child’s tie to the father? A new insight into fathering, father-child attachment, children’s socio-emotional development and the activation relationship theory. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 430-446.



Fletcher, R. (2011). The Dad factor: How father-baby bonding helps a child for life. Mona Vale, New South Wales: Finch.



Freeman, H., Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., & Newland, L.A. (2008). Father beliefs as a mediator between contextual barriers and father involvement. Early Child Development and Care 178(7), 803-819.



Freeman, H. (2010). Mapping young adults’ use of fathers for attachment support: implications on romantic relationship experiences. Early Child Development and Care 180(1), 227-248.



Freeman, H., Newland, L.A., & Coyl, D.D. (2010). New directions in father involvement. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 1-8.



Gaumon, S., & Paquette, D. (2013). The father-child activation relationship and internalizing disorders at preschool age. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 447-463.



George, M.R.W., Cummings, E.M., & Davies, P.T. (2010). Positive aspects of fathering and mothering, and children’s attachment in kindergarten. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 107-119.



Goldberg, A.E., Downing, J.B., & Sauck, C.C. (2008). Perceptions of children’s parental preferences in lesbian two-mother households. Journal of Marriage and Family 70, 419-434.



Grossman, K., Grossman, K.E., Kindler, H., & Zimmerman, P. (2008). A wider view of attachment and exploration: The influences of mothers and fathers on the development of psychological security from infancy to young adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.). Handbooks of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd. ed.) (pp. 552-598)). New York, NY: Guildford Press.



Newland, L.A., & Coyl, D.D. (2010). Fathers’ role as attachment figures: An interview with Sir Richard Bowlby. Early Child Development and Care 180(1-2), 25-32.



Newland, L.A., Chen, H-H., Coyl-Shepherd, D.D., Liang, Y-C., Carr, E.R., Dykstra, E., & Gapp, S.C. (2013). Parent and child perspectives on mothering and fathering: The influence of ecocultural niches. Early Child Development and Care 183(3-4), 534-552.



Pluke, R.H. (2014). Men’s experiences of fathering sons: Encountering difference and disappointment. Unpublished doctoral thesis. University of KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa. Retrieved from https://researchspace.ukzn.ac.za/xmlui/bitstream/handle/10413/13939/Pluke_Robert_Hay_2014.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y



Umemura, T., Jacobvitz, D., Messina, S., & Hazen, N. (2013). Do toddlers prefer the primary caregiver or the parent with whom they feel more secure? The role of toddler emotion. Infant Behavior and Development 36(1), 102-114.