Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Before my daughter was born, I made a book split into two halves. One cover said 'me.' The other said 'you.' I filled the 'you' side with a list of hopes for who she'd become. I had a lot of ideas about the person she should be before I'd ever met her. 



This episode marks ten years of the podcast, and I'm using it to walk through ten things I got wrong along the way. Because if you're in the middle of any of these yourself, I want you to know exactly where I started.



I'll cover what I misunderstood about the RIE approach and Magda Gerber's work, how I mixed up authoritative and authoritarian parenting in an early episode and had to go back and correct it on air, and a fight over a dose of antibiotics that taught me the difference between managing my daughter's behavior and understanding what was underneath it. Then I get into what I got wrong about myself: a resentment that built for months in my marriage before I understood what a need even was, a moment mid-interview when I realized one of my biggest triggers had nothing to do with my daughter, and the Alfie Kohn book that planted the seed for how I parent now. I close with what I got wrong about parenting itself, and why, ten years in, I still think most of us are trying to do this without the people around us it takes.


Questions this episode will answer

What is the RIE approach to parenting? RIE, developed by Magda Gerber, treats infants as capable people who deserve respect from birth. I only found out about it because friends who practiced RIE came to meet my daughter right after she was born, right before they moved away. This episode gets into what happened after that one visit. 



What's the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting? Authoritative parenting is warm and sets limits through relationship, while authoritarian parenting sets limits through control and obedience. I got these two labels mixed up on the podcast in 2017. This episode looks at what happened when I dug into the research behind that framework and found out how narrow it is.



How do you discipline a child without using punishment? Instead of punishment, this approach looks at what a child is struggling with and works with them to solve the problem. I share the story of a medicine fight with my daughter where forcing the issue failed completely, and a different approach, built on her having some say in what happened, worked on the first try.



Why do couples fight more after having a baby? New parents often take on different loads of housework, childcare, and mental tracking, and that imbalance builds resentment fast when it isn't named. I talk through the specific fight with my husband that forced me to see I was missing collaboration and acknowledgement, and that he was missing something too. 



What is the Gottman method, and does it work for parenting partners? The Gottman method is a well-known approach to couples communication, built on decades of relationship research. I talk about where I think it falls short for parents specifically, and what I changed to fill the gap with couples in the Parenting Membership.



What are the biggest mistakes parents make? This episode names ten, from misunderstanding what respect looks like with an infant to assuming a nuclear family is supposed to do this work alone. I walk through each one, including the specific moment that showed me I had it wrong.


What you'll learn in this episode

How Magda Gerber's RIE approach and Alfie Kohn's bookUnconditional Parentingreshaped how I saw my daughter, and which of Kohn's 13 principles I still use with parents today
Why the authoritative parenting research that's been cited over 26,000 times was built on 146 white, middle-class preschoolers in one town, and what that means for how much weight it should carry
The medicine fight that showed me the difference between forcing a behavior to stop and understanding what my daughter needed to do it differently
How a recurring fight with my husband over the four-month sleep regression led me to understand what a need is, in my marriage and in my parenting
What happened during a live interview when I realized one of my biggest triggers wasn't about my daughter at all, and how that became Taming Your Triggers
Why I now think parenting was never supposed to happen inside one house with one set of parents, and what building a village looked like for my family




Other episodes mentioned:
020: How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?

148: Is spanking a child really so bad?

183: What I wish I’d known about parenting

069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma

209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner



Ten years of learning it twice

Every one of these ten lessons, I had to learn twice. Once in my head, from a book or a study or a guest on the show. Then again, slower and harder, in the actual moment with Carys or Alvin, often while everyone around me was doing it a different way. Knowing what's underneath a behavior doesn't mean you'll catch it at 6pm when dinner's burning and your kid is on the floor. That takes practice, and people around you who are practicing the same thing.



That's what the Parenting Membership is for. A place to keep practicing the information you learned, in your specific moments with your specific kid, alongside other parents doing the same work.







Jump to highlights

00:00 Opening: the original episode zero script, re-recorded and re-read on this 10th anniversary

01:57 Milestone reflection: 10 years, over 300 episodes, and thanking Dr. Roberta Golinkoff and Katie Stankie

06:00 What I got wrong #1: thinking my job was to make Carys stop doing things, illustrated by a medicine-refusal standoff

09:19 What I got wrong #2: uncritically accepting authoritative parenting as "the best" style before questioning Baumrind's framework

13:40 Listener Laura shares what she wishes she'd known about potty training too early

17:41 What I got wrong #3: believing kids would "walk all over me" without punishments and consequences

18:34 Dr. Houri Parsi's story of a four-minute toothbrushing turnaround once she stopped trying to control the outcome

21:31 What I got wrong #4: not understanding that people (including myself) have needs, illustrated by early parenting friction with my husband

24:01 What I got wrong #5: realizing my triggers were about my own history, not just my husband's behavior, in conversation with Dr. Rebecca Babcock-Fenerci

27:55 What I got wrong #6: assuming parenting wouldn't change me much, illustrated by hiking the Tour de Mont Blanc with an 8-week-old

30:27 What I got wrong #7: trying to shape my daughter into a preconceived idea, based on a list of "hopes" written during pregnancy

33:14 What I got wrong #8: assuming I’d be "the enforcer," and how Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting principles shifted that

39:07 What I got wrong #9: treating couples' relationships as separate from parent-child ones, and lessons from Gottman-based coaching

42:34 What I got wrong #10: assuming parenting happens within one nuclear household rather than needing a village

47:58 Closing thanks to Denise Suarez and an invitation to join the Parenting Membership

Your child's preschool number shows up on your caller ID, and your stomach drops before you even answer. Preschool never calls with good news. Your kid hit someone at the sand table, or kicked a friend in line for the bathroom, and now you're standing there wondering if you have to call another parent and apologize, and whether this is the start of your kid becoming the one nobody wants to play with.



The conversation you have that night probably isn't the first one. You remind your child that we keep our hands to ourselves. Maybe there's an early bedtime attached this time, to show them you mean it. Then the same thing happens again the next week, and you start to wonder what you're missing.



In this episode, I walk through what's actually driving hitting, biting, and kicking at preschool, both for kids who are dealing with a classroom that controls almost everything about their body for the first time, and for teachers managing a room of 20 kids with their own competing pressures. I share what happened when a child hit a teacher after being physically moved into circle time, and a moment from my own daughter's classroom where a nap-time standoff got resolved without anyone losing. By the end, you'll have a different question to ask than "how do I get the hitting to stop."


Questions this episode will answer

Is it normal for preschoolers to hit? Hitting, biting, and kicking are common at this age, especially once a child spends most of the day in a classroom where someone else controls when they sit, move, and talk. That loss of control is often what's underneath the hitting for three and four year olds.



How do I stop my 4 year old from hitting at school? Repeating "hitting isn't okay" rarely works, because most kids already know that before the conversation happens. Look instead at what happened right before the hit, and what was building up earlier in the day.



What are some common behavior problems that 4-year-olds experience in school? Hitting, biting, and kicking often show up around transitions, circle time, and group activities, the exact moments where a child has the least say over their own body.



How to deal with challenging behaviors in preschool? Instead of treating the behavior itself as the problem to fix, it helps to look at what a child's body and day were signaling right before it happened, including sensory overwhelm and a loss of autonomy.



How to handle disruptive behavior in the preschool classroom? For teachers managing a full room, a child's need can often be met alongside a teacher's own needs for competence, ease, and keeping kids safe, without one side having to lose.



How to manage behavior in preschool? The better starting question isn't how to get the behavior to stop. It's what's happening in a child's body and day that leads them there, for parents and teachers both.


What you'll learn in this episode

Why a preschool classroom is often the first place in a child's life where an adult besides a parent controls almost everything about their body, and why that loss of autonomy can come out as hitting or kicking
The story behind a child who hit a teacher during circle time, and what came out only after the fact about what led to it
How to tell whether a child's hitting or kicking is coming from a sensory issue, an autonomy issue, or something else, and how that changes what actually helps
What teachers are usually working to protect when they enforce rules like Circle Time, including their own needs for competence, ease, and children's safety
How I worked out a nap-time standoff with my own daughter's preschool that met her needs and her teachers' needs at the same time
A different question to ask instead of "how do I get this behavior to stop"


Behavior is a signal - here's how to work with it

You already have the instinct to look past the hitting or kicking and ask what's underneath it. What the Stop the Behavior Battles Masterclass adds is a repeatable way to find the answer in the moment, when your kid is already mid-meltdown and you don't have time to think it through from scratch.



That's the whole method: four steps you can walk through with your own kid's situation, the same four steps you'll watch a real parent named Clarice apply to her own son's toy pickup standoff. Practice it enough times, and it starts to happen without you needing to stop and think through each step.



When you enroll, you'll also get a 20-minute coaching session with Denise, our community manager and a credentialed coach, to help you narrow down the strategies most likely to work for your specific kid. And you'll get an invitation to a live call with me on September 16, where I'll share one of my own worst parenting moments and coach live on the spot.



Get the Stop the Behavior Battles Masterclass for $27. Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

01:10 Introduction to the episode's premise: hitting, biting, and kicking at preschool

04:12 The autonomy shift kids face moving into a classroom, and hitting as a way to signal "I need some say"

07:59 Why kindergarten-readiness pressure pushes teachers and parents toward compliance over accommodation

11:03 Applying the "would I want to be treated this way" test to circle time and other classroom moments

13:33 The adult parallel: snapping at a partner after a hard day, and why we don't extend kids the same grace

14:33 How parents can approach a teacher without blame, and requesting accommodations grounded in real needs

16:07 Jen's own example: finding a nap-time compromise for her daughter that worked for both her and the teachers

17:00 Introducing the Stop the Behavior Battles Masterclass and what it walks parents through

Sara's four-year-old started asking permission for things he used to just do on his own, like grabbing the markers off his own shelf. It was a small request, but it worried her, since nothing about her home had ever required asking first. 



This episode follows what she did next. Sara gets specific about creative problem-solving in action: a drone in the sky and a line of dump trucks waiting outside a construction site. She talks through the exact question that became her compass whenever self-doubt crept back in, and the moment she realized a pattern from her own childhood was at risk of repeating itself in how she was raising her son. If you've ever wondered whether teaching without teaching is even possible while working full time, this conversation walks through what that looked like, day to day.


Questions this episode will answer

What does creative problem-solving look like in a young child? It looks like a kid testing an idea out loud and building on what he already knows instead of waiting to be told. One example: a child working out on his own that a package of sliced cheese needs a sealed bag to stay fresh, after being asked one question instead of given the answer.



How do you support a child's exploratory learning without taking over? Don't give the answer, and the next step tends to follow on its own. A parent's role becomes watching for what the child already knows and how much support helps him move past it.



What is exploratory play, and why does it matter for learning? Exploratory play lets a child test a theory before anyone tells him whether he's right or wrong. A child watching construction vehicles at a work site can build a working idea of how they function, purely from observation and his own reasoning, with no lesson required.



What kind of parenting leads to perfectionism in children? Growing up under pressure to be the best at everything can turn into a lasting belief that anything less isn't good enough. That belief tends to surface again in parenting, often as a hidden discomfort with a child's mistakes or unfinished work.



How do you fit exploratory learning into a full time work schedule? It shows up in ordinary moments that are already happening like the commute or the grocery run. It doesn't require carving out extra hours, just responding differently within the time already spent together.


What you'll learn in this episode

What changed when Sara stopped trying to teach her son and started following his lead instead
The specific question that became Sara's compass whenever self-doubt crept back in
How a four-year-old connected something he'd never seen before to something he already understood, using nothing but his own reasoning
Why Sara calls her son's way of taking in the world his "lantern consciousness," and what that idea comes from
The difference between stepping in to teach and stepping back to scaffold, and how to tell which moment calls for which
What happened when a frustrating moment over a package of cheese turned into one of Sara's favorite examples of exploratory learning
Why documentation is still the hardest part of this approach, even a year in



Knowing when to hold back is a skill

Sara had the values in place long before she had the skill: she wanted to follow her son's lead; she just didn't know what that looked like in the actual moment until a single sentence was already out of her mouth.



The Learning Membership teaches that moment and the specific move you practice: see where your kid is stuck, ask the question that gets him moving again, then get out of the way before you've solved it for him. It gets easier every time.



Enrollment is open until August 26.



Click the banner to learn more.





Jump to highlights

02:04 Introduction of today’s episode

05:03 Sara experienced the pain of conditional worth, where love and acceptance seemed tied to being "the best," which created anxiety when that impossible standard couldn't be met, and now she wants to support Som by following his interests instead of imposing external measures of success

13:40 How has ‘perfectionism’ affected both Sara and her parenting approach with her son, Som?

19:10 Definition of learning exploration from Sara’s perspective

24:29 How was Sara before being a member of the Learning Membership?

28:10 Through the membership, we learn about how learning happens and how a child observes patterns, theorizes, and extrapolates based on those patterns, and applies what he's observed before to new things that he sees out in the world

40:10 Our kids have capabilities if we can learn to see them right and if we can learn to be that person who provides just a little bit of support

49:10 What piece of advice would Sara give to Sara a year ago?

The way we set limits has such profound implications for our parenting: it’s the difference between parenting in a constant state of anxiety, and being truly calm and confident that you’re making the right decisions as you move through your day.



If we set ineffective limits, our child never knows where we stand.  They push and push and push because they know we will allow it, then finally we blow up because they pushed us TOO FAR and they end up in tears (or angry) and we end up angry (or in tears, or both).



But doesn’t setting limits mean being “harsh” or “punitive”?  Not at all!  When we set the right limits (by which I mean the right limits for your family), you can hold those limits effectively and the testing behavior will diminish dramatically.



The result?  More harmony at home.  Less uncertainty for you.  More confidence for your child.  Give it a try!


Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop

If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible – while still having your boundaries respected!), I hope you’ll join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) workshop.



Click the banner to learn more.









Other episodes mentioned:
Why storytelling is so important for our children
Should we just Go Ahead and Heap Rewards on our Child?






Jump to highlights

00:00 Introduction of the episode topic and framing

04:01 Cross-cultural discipline: shame, corporal punishment, and their purposes

07:56 How authoritative versus controlling parenting differs across cultures

11:16 Haim Ginott's ideas and the roots of emotion coaching and limit setting

14:08 When to set limits: Magda Gerber's approach and providing structure

21:59 How children's non-compliance changes from toddlerhood to age five

25:41 Ginott's three zones of discipline

32:27 Why using fantasy or false praise to gain compliance backfires

34:54 What to do when a child still won't cooperate

38:13 Logical consequences versus punishment, with a real example from home



References

Andreadakis, E., Joussemet, M., & Mageau, G.A. (2018). How to support toddlers’ autonomy: Socialization practices reported by parents. Early Education and Development 1-18.



Denby, R.W., & Alford, K.A. (1996). Understanding African American discipline styles: Suggestions for effective social work intervention. Journal of Multicultural Social Work 4(3), 81-98. Full article available at https://www.researchgate.net/publication/234770892_Understanding_African_American_Discipline_Styles_Suggestions_for_Effective_Social_Work_Intervention



Gough, J.L. (2006). Make mild moments memorable: Add a little arousal. Trends in Cognitive Sciences 10(8), 345-347. Full article available at http://aclab.human.cornell.edu/publications/papers/McGaugh_TiCS06.pdf



Helwig, C.C., To, S., Wang, Q., Liu, C., & Yang, S. (2014). Judgements and reasoning about parental discipline involving induction and psychological control in China and Canada. Child Development 85(3), 1150-1167.



Hoffman, M.L. (1960). Power assertion by the parent and its impact on the child. Child Development 31(1), 129-143



Joussemet, M., Koestner, R., Lekes, N., & Houlfort, N. (2004). Introducing uninteresting tasks to children: A comparison of the effects of rewards and autonomy support. Journal of Personality 72(1), 139-166.



Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology 49(3), 194-200



Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., & Koestner, R. (2014). Promoting optimal parenting and children’s mental health: A preliminary evaluation of the how-to parenting program. Journal of Child and Family Studies 23(6), 949-964.



Joussemet, M., Mageau, G.A., Larose, M-P, Briand, M., & Vitaro, F. (2018). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk: A randomized controlled trial evaluating the efficacy of the how-to parenting program on children’s mental health compared to a wait-list control group. BMC Pediatrics 18, 257-



Kochanska, G., & Aksan, N. (1995). Mother-child mutually positive affect, the quality of child compliance to requests and prohibitions, and maternal control as correlates of early internalization. Child Development 66(1), 236-254.



Kuczynski, L., & Kochanska, G. (1990). Development of children’s noncompliance strategies from toddlerhood to age 5. Developmental Psychology 26(3), 398-408.



Lepper, M.L. (1983). Social-control processes and the internalization of social values: An attributional perspective. In E.T. Higgins, D.N. Ruble, & W.W. Hartup (Eds.), Social cognition and social development (p.294-330). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.



Mageau, G.A., Lessard, J., Carpentier, J., Robichaud, J-M, Joussemet, M., & Koestner, R. (2018). Effectiveness and acceptability beliefs regarding logical consequences and mild punishments.



Rohner, R.P., & Pettengill, S.M. (1985). Perceived parental acceptance-rejection and parental control among Korean adolescents. Child Development 56, 524-528.



Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review 30, 74-99.

If you’ve been a parent for a while, or maybe even if you haven’t, you probably saw an article on Holding Space making the rounds of online communities a few years ago.  In the article the author, Heather Plett, describes how she and her siblings were able to hold space for their dying mother in her final days because a palliative care nurse held space for them.


The article outlined some principles of holding space, and I think it really resonated with a lot of people – possibly because so many of us wish we had been held in that way, and we find ourselves trying to hold space for others in that way without a lot of guidance or support.



I kept that article in the back of my mind, and last year I took Heather’s 9-month in-depth course on holding space, and she’s just released a book called The art of holding space: A practice of love, liberation, and leadership.  In this episode we discuss what it means to hold space for others as parents, and how to raise our children to be able to hold space for others.



Links mentioned in the episode

The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership (Affiliate link).

The Centre for Holding Space Website



Jump to highlights

01:38 Introduction to the episode and guest Heather Plett

02:38 What it means to hold space for someone

03:10 The three-layered bowl: what you offer, what guides you, and what supports you

08:23 What liminal space means, and where the concept comes from

20:51 What holding space looks like in the parent-child relationship

24:07 Allyship: supporting a child without taking over their struggle

29:08 Tools for supporting a parent who's clearly struggling

32:53 Discernment, humility, and intuition: the hardest layer of the bowl

43:49 Hijacking space, and catching yourself doing it to your own child

49:26 The spiral of authenticity, and giving children room to be themselves