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CW: This episode will contain discussion of domestic abuse. Please listen with care.
The fourth season of "The Ultimatum: Marry Or Move On" has limped to a miserable conclusion – and we're finally caught up and ready to talk about it! This week, Bachelor in Retrospect cohosts Carrie Rosen and Annemarie Navar-Gill joined me to discuss the depressing finale, which saw all four of the remaining couples get engaged, and the wretched reunion.
From the outset, this season of "The Ultimatum" had a darker aura than seasons past. During the dating period, men openly leered at the new women they were meeting, and couples berated each other verbally and via clandestine note. As the episodes went on, the toxic behavior escalated, especially between Hayley, Blake, Ashley and Killian. Castmembers openly swapped alarming conspiracy theories, weaponized therapy buzzwords to win arguments, and relied on ChatGPT for relationship advice. It all culminated in a car crash of a finale and reunion. First, four couples who should all have broken up instead got engaged on TV. Then, in the reunion, the psychological terrorism only escalated, with Nick and Vanessa Lachey standing by ineffectually as rampant emotional abuse (largely from the men) was given a massive platform.
By the time the reunion taped this summer, a year after filming wrapped, three of the five engaged couples had split up (as had Alex and Jebin, the only couple to leave without a proposal). The two happily engaged couples beamed from their loveseats, sharing wedding plans and smartphone video footage of their past year; David and Casey even got Nick Lachey to legally marry them onstage in anticipation of their Amalfi Coast nuptials in September. But all four of the other couples were haunted by claims of abusive treatment. Jebin, unprompted, admitted to having written Alex an even nastier note than the one she read aloud on camera. Jessica Grace accused Edris of having subjected her to "humiliation rituals" during the end of their relationship, a claim he then gave credence to by trying to humiliate her onstage. Ashley described Killian smashing her phone during one altercation, and he blamed her for "triggering" him. And Blake and Hayley lobbed allegations back and forth, each claiming the other got violent with them.
Alarmingly, Jessica Grace and Edris have since gotten back together, and in a joint appearance on the Viall Files, she took blame for trying to "vilify" Edris on the reunion and tried to rationalize his nasty behavior. Ashley and Hayley have become friends, as have Killian and Blake, and all of them are now making the podcast rounds, getting their stories on the record. They have all alleged emotional and physical abuse, though Ashley, Hayley, and Blake have given the most specific and detailed accounts. (Since we taped this episode, Jebin has leaked a recording he made of Hayley admitting to slapping Blake during their relationship, and she has released a statement confirming that this happened.) The season has devolved entirely into a melodrama that mines entertainment out of abuse. That these ex-couples were even put onstage together for the reunion, given the gravity of the accusations they've made – and the fact that Blake was arrested for assault following an altercation with Hayley last year, though charges were dismissed – is shockingly irresponsible.
In this episode, we discuss each proposal, each beat of the horrific reunion, the Netflix reality dating show aesthetic and political slant, the Lacheys' reunion performance, production's culpability, and what made this season of "The Ultimatum" so dark (and so much worse than "The Ultimatum: Queer Love," RIP). We focused primarily on what took place onscreen, though we touch on some of the post-show media interviews. In some relationships, the truth of what happened remains murky. One truth is clear: production made choice after choice to put their cast in unsafe situations for the sake of explosive TV.
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This week, the brilliant Ali Barthwell – author of the forthcoming book "Reality TV for Snobs," Emmy-winning "Last Week Tonight" writer, recapper extraordinaire, and dear friend of the pod – joined me to discuss episodes 5-8 of "The Ultimatum" season 4! And we had as much fun as we could recapping these episodes, which are brutal to watch. (I haven't watched the finale and reunion yet, but from what I hear, they will be even more soul-shredding. Recap coming next week!)
Out of the eight people who remain in the experiment, perhaps two are likable; most of the relationships seem not just dysfunctional but abusive. Even when Killian engages in demeaning and sexually threatening conversations about his trial marriage partner, he is allowed to remain and continue the experiment with her. We watch as Ashley quickly rationalizes his disrespect and verbal abuse, to which she has clearly become accustomed during their relationship. But they're far from the only couple enmeshed in a deeply toxic dynamic. The cast this season is so bleak that our most crushable man wants to lead his wife in a Biblical marriage – at least it's in a kindhearted way!
In this episode, Ali and I discuss the rancid conservatism of this season, the underreaction to Killian's group chat, Hayley and Blake's fixation on love languages and therapy buzzwords, David's control issues, and much more. Hope you enjoy! xo
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Season 4 of "The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On" has dropped, just in time to help fill the cavernous void left by the finale of "Love Island" season 8, and the vibes are worse than ever. "The Ultimatum" has an inherently fraught premise: It brings together six established couples who disagree about whether to get married. They "break up," date the other people in the experiment and choose one to have a three-week "trial marriage" with, and then return to their original partner for another trial marriage. The show ends with each person deciding whether to get engaged, leave alone, or leave in a relationship with someone they met in the experiment. It's never a feel-good show, given that it carries so much deeply rooted pain and disappointment from each relationship – and the potential for such a great betrayal – but this season is taking it to another level.
Tess Higgins, aka Reality Scholar on Instagram, joined me for a lively recap of the first four episodes of this season (the first half of the first drop). We have so many questions about this season, starting with casting: Where do they find these people, and specifically, where do they find these men?
Reality dating shows have reflected an overall cultural shift toward rigid gender roles in the last few years, as women seek "protectors and providers" so they can "lean into their feminine," while men search for bubbly and nurturing "homemakers" with taut bodies. This season of "The Ultimatum" is a prime example. But it's not just reactionary values on display this season – it's the wedge that those values drive between heterosexual couples, who are buckling under the pressure to perform gender for each other. And can we blame the manosphere for why almost all of these guys are emanating absolutely noxious energy, or is that just a quirk of casting? This motley array of two-faced, manipulative man-children is enough to convince any rational woman to choose a life of celibacy. And yet here these ladies are, considering a lifelong legal partnership with them.
We discuss all of this, as well as the risks of casting 23-year-olds on a marriage show, appropriate date conversations and behavior, disrespectful group texts, and much more.
Hope you enjoy! I will be back next week to recap episodes 5-8 with another special guest.
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We laughed, we cried, we gawked at leaked wedding photos! This week on the pod, I'm joined by the wonderful Kelsey McKinney, co-owner and journalist at Defector Media, for a two-part conversation: first, a general chat about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's epic wedding at Madison Square Garden, then a recap of the Netflix rom-dramedy "Voicemails for Isabelle."
Though neither of us particularly wanted to pay attention to l'affaire Swift-Kelce, this splashy event has a gravitational pull on the discourse. We chatted about how Swift's choice of wedding venue clashed with many people's expectations and assumptions about her taste – including ours – and what it means that the word "tacky" has been thrown about so liberally. We also got into the spectacle of billionaire weddings and conspicuous consumption at this particular moment, as well as what it signifies that the couple made massive charitable donations in conjunction with the wedding.
Then, we turned our attention to a Netflix romance that we both liked much more than we expected: "Voicemails for Isabelle." We unpack how deeply creepy the concept of the movie is, and how many unsettling choices the male lead makes... and why we found ourselves getting on board anyway. We got in our feelings about how the movie captures the joy of sisterhood and the devastation of grief, and we recapped the whole thing – the silly moments, the millennial-core details (a gourmet dessert nacho food truck? hell yeah), the satisfying physical comedy and goofy side characters, and every moment that made us cry.
Hope you enjoy! xo
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By the beginning of July, I have entered my now-annual "Love Island" fugue state. I fall asleep watching new episodes, and I wake up and immediately reach for my phone to scroll social media reactions. I try to recap the major plot points to my husband, who is usually baffled by the onslaught of details and my feverish emotional state. It's all I know how to think about about at the moment. So I was thrilled to get a chance this week to chat with, Anna Peele, contributing editor at Vanity Fair and the author of "Enter the Villa: The (Unauthorized) Reality Behind 'Love Island.'"
As a relative newbie to the "Love Island" universe, I'm always looking for more insight about the show's history, influences, and impact, and Peele's deeply researched and reported book is the motherlode. She analyzes the show's forerunners and how executives put together the show that has evolved into an international mega-franchise, and breaks down that franchise's rocky introduction to the American market. She offers insight into how producers actually shape – or don't shape – storylines and character arcs, and into how contestants perceived their experiences.
In our conversation, we discuss the evolution of the "Love Island" format, what made it tricky to bring to America and how it contrasts with "The Bachelor," the significance of the show's hosts and inimitable narrator Iain Stirling, how contestants experience being in the bubble of the show's set, our takes on the most recent "Love Island" USA seasons, and much more.
Hope you enjoy! xo
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